The Pain Of Shadow
by Zume Rokkata
Summary: OLD Zexion is trying to fade away, he is no longer human. But Demyx tries to save him.
1. Chapter 1

**Author Notes: **Okay, I know that I _should_ be writing other stuff, and that I should have read this over a few more times, but hey! I can always edit this later. This was originally a piece of writing I wrote one day whilst _very_ bored. I was looking around tonight and found it. I then realised how I could turn it into a fanfic, and well the isn't history yet cos it wasn't long enough ago.  
**  
Dedication: **This one is for Bu. She posted and coloured her Zexi pic and that makes me very happy. I would add a link, but I don't know how.  
**  
Summary: **Zexion is trying to fade away, he is no longer human. But Demyx tries to save him. Could things get any worse? (Not technically a suicide story btw) crud summary, just read it please

**Pairings: **Zemyx (no duh) and a _very_ obscure AkuRoku reference. There may be more later.  
**  
Suggested Listening : **This Is How I Disappear - My Chemical Romance

Miss Murder - AFI  
**  
Disclaimer: **I do not in any way, shape or form own Kingdom Hearts or any of characters, yada, yada, yada. I do however, own the plot line.

* * *

What can I say? How can I say it? Is there any point anymore? Do I even care?

There is no room for doubt, yet it's still wormed it's way in. Making everything impossible. And I mean everything. You see, the thing about doubt, is that it colours all. Nothing is left unscathed. Doubt is my greatest enemy. It is my best friend. It is my everything.

There are only so many tears that can fall. Only so many words that can be uttered. Only so many times that something can be repaired. Nothing is eternal. And I tried. I held myself together for as long as I could. Right now, I am at breaking point. I am standing on the edge of a knife, too scarred to leap off, in too much pain to stay.

Slowly, bit by bit, I fall apart at the seams. Like a pillow that's too old. The stitches open up, each hole making a bigger one. The stuffing falls out, the fabric wears thin, until you can't even recognise what it once was. That's what happened to me. I don't think I'm even human anymore.

I'm a shadow. Mysterious and scary, considered bad, not unfortunate. I feel no hope, no wonder, no love. I can't feel happiness, I can't wish. All I am now is a phantom of pain, misery and terror. I can feel the timer inside me, ticking along. I'm set on self-distruct. I'm un-saveable. Don't even try.

My misery is my own. I was human once, I could feel love, joy, hope. Those memories haunt me now. I may not be the person I once was, the person able to feel good things, but I remember. I remember enough to make sure that my misery is my own. I feel my pain, and the tiny bit of light inside me binds it within.

I hide myself away. Wrapped in dreams that torture and tear. I want it over, but it cannot end. I am tied to this world. And so it will be until there is nothing left. 'Til that tiny bit of light is gone and I am ripped of those memories, until I am no longer human at all.

Please don't try and save me. I am alone, I cannot love you. I cannot repay you in any way. I am but dead. I am a monster, I will fade. Stay away, let me go. Every time someone cares enough at the start to save me, every time they realise I have nothing to give, each time they fail, I live a little longer. Please let me be gone. But alas, the horror inside does not show without, I am tempting. They wish to save me. Not one of you will survive.

Good bye sanity,

Good bye love.

It is now I wish to leave,

Let oblivion take me.

* * *

_The light in their eyes was horrifying to me. They were alive, they suffered like I did, they too fell to pieces, but the lucky bastards held each other together._

_They had each other._

_I had no-one._

* * *

It was a day. Just a day. No different to start off with. Just another day that I was forced to be alive. Another day of me reading the emotions of those around me. Another day of painful burning injustice boiling in my stomach.

Most days I would stay where ever I woke up, ignoring others as much as possible. But today, today that was impossible. One glimpse of happiness sent me over the edge. I had to get out, _now._

So, desperate, as always to escape the horror that is my 'life', I threw myself into the rain. If I'd been able to feel such feelings, I would have loved the rain. It made me feel as pure and clean as it's possible for me to feel.

I wandered aimlessly. Nothing ever caught my interest, nothing ever did. My blue hair stuck to my face in long tendrils, water soaked my thin clothing. The burning pain of my life lessened some in the wet.

_It's almost over._ I told myself. _It will be over soon. Be patient._

I was alone with my misery, just me and the rain.

Until he showed up.

He was undeniably beautiful, even my screwed up mind could accept that. He almost seemed to glow. If I'd been able to, I would have loved him. As it was he simply terrified me, I could hurt him.

_Must leave. Now!_

I stumbled backwards, tripping over and landing on my back. The pain was no big deal, I'd had so much worse. But I was winded, and for a moment I was unable to get up.

"Hey, hey! Are you okay?" He ran over, as I knew he would. It was a natural, _human_ reaction. However, although I was prepared from him to run to me, I wasn't prepared for the angelic beauty of his voice. It ripped through me like a bullet. The harsh injustice that such a sound could exist, yet I could not appreciate it tore me to pieces.

He stared at me, looking deeply into my eyes, my damn pretty eyes, the eyes I hated. Something about him was special, he could _see, _really _see_. He could see the pain I was in, he could tell the way I was falling apart. His arms reached down towards me, cradling me like a child. The tiny piece of me that was still human recoiled at the touch. He could not, should not be near me! I was bad, bad, bad. A painful shadow.

What could he want with a wreak like me. I was worthless, better off for us to be far, far apart.

With the pain off a ten tonne brick falling on my abdomen, I realised what this boy wanted with me.

_He was going to try and save me._

* * *

**End Notes: **Yes, yes I know it was _very_ short. But it just has to be that way. The other chapter(s) should be a bit longer. Yet again, this is un-beta'd, and probably pretty crap, cos I've only read through it, like twice. It does ramble a bit at the beginning, but he is rather nutty.

Not all that great, but it should get better.

-insert-pleading-for-reviews-here-


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Notes: **I know I said this one would be longer, but it isn't get over it. The whole thing will end up the length of a reasonable one-shot, but this wouldn't work like that. Sorry. Hope you guys likey.  
**  
Dedication: **This is for **BrokenAnzaran** she wanted another chapter, and here it is. I was (and still am) snowed under with homework, I'd just finish four pages of labour intensive maths and all I wanted to do was flomp. But there was a sparkly review waiting for me, just begging for another chapter, and here you have it. Man, that fangirl has some kick-ass puppy-dog eyes.  
**  
Summary: **Zexion is trying to fade away, he is no longer human. But Demyx tries to save him. Could things get any worse? (Not technically a suicide story btw) crud summary, just read it please

**Pairings: **Zemyx (no duh) and a _very_ obscure AkuRoku reference. There may be more later.

**  
Suggested Listening : **A Thousand Miles - Vanessa Carlton

Welcome to the black Parade - My Chemical Romance

Harder To Breathe - Maroon 5  
**  
Disclaimer: **This is where I put in the amazing disclaimer that I thought up whilst doing the dishes. Well, I would but I've forgotten it. I've had, er, _other things_ on my mind. -gives Bu a significant glance-.

Me no owney.

* * *

The boy carries my stunned body through the rain. I feel unbelievably pain-free, but that's the thing, it's unbelievable, I must be hallucinating.

This boy is so amazingly gorgeous, so sweet, that I can not, _will _not let myself hurt him. I shiver runs through me at the thought of what I could do to him.

He notices.

Gently, he presses his fingers to my forehead, mumbling something about a temperature. A worried look crosses his face and he hurries up. Within minutes he reaches a tall building. He pushes through the door and runs up the stairs, me in his arms the whole time. He stops when he arrives outside another door. He struggles for a minute, trying to unlock the door without putting me down, but he manages it. As I wait, I glance down the corridor, realising that this is the place I ran from this morning.

And then he is laying me down on a bed so soft I feel like I'm floating.

"Can I help you in any way?" he asks softly as I sit up, his voice is strained by worry.

He is becoming attached.

It is now that I manage to break through the selfish barrier that wraps around me. _I will not hurt him!_

"I'm fine. Who said you could bring me here? I'm leaving!" I spit the words at him, coating them with as much venom as possible. I stand up angrily, shoving past the surprised blond, making for the door.

"I did."

The words make me stop, right then and there.

"And who gave you permission!" It's a verbal attack rather than a question. I carry on towards the door. His hand shoots out, grabbing my arm. He is strong, the fact he carried me here proves it, but I wasn't expecting this. He spins me around to face him.

"You're sick, let me help you." he says softly. I know I should walk away, but his eyes are pleading with me. I am selfish, cruel, despicable.

I stay.

"Sit." he instructs. I return to my former position, perching on the edge of the bed. He disappears through a small door.

I wait.

He returns with a tall steaming mug.

"Drink this."

I am handed the mug. The hot liquid smells sweet, and I sip.

He watches me as I drink. It's a little unnerving.

It's only when I finish my drink and he takes the cup from me carefully that I realise it was drugged. Only the affect it has tells me so. I tasted nothing suspicious. I hold my head in my hands, the swirling dizziness uncomfortable. He reaches over, and gently but firmly, he pushes me down so my head is resting on the soft pillow. He drags a blanket over my skinny frame.

"Sleep now baby," he whispers, his lips brushing against my cheek.

* * *

_In a way, I no longer envied them. I was no longer alone. But the very fact I had a companion pained me. The tiny bit of humanity within my non-existant heart clawed at me._

_Even though this boy was trying to save me, which should have prolonged my suffering, I seemed to be fading away faster now than ever before._

_And gracefully so._

_One simple mistake. I would never pay for it, he would. The very thought that he may end up suffering tortured me. _

_Ah well, nothing new there._

* * *

Demyx leaned forward and snagged me around the waist, pulling me onto his lap. To start off with, he'd been careful, moving slowly and asking my permission before every affectionate movement. When my refusals had ground to a halt, he stopped asking, still moving slowly and letting me know exactly what was happening, allowing me to move away if needed. Now he was barely hesitant at all. I leaned back into his shoulder. I had studied the way he treated me so I could learn to respond as I should.

_How could I hurt such a beautiful creature? _Tears dripped down my face when I thought of the way I was betraying him. Demyx was almost used to seeing me like this; It's not that he didn't care any more, just that he was no longer surprised.

With a soft 'shh', he fell backwards onto the bed, pulling me with him so I landed on his chest. He stroked my hair softly, whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

"I love you baby." he murmured, it made me cry even more to think that I couldn't love him in return. Care for his well-being, wish for him to be safe, yes. Love him, no.

This didn't seem to faze him, the fact that I didn't love him back. But if he did truly love me, then I suppose he _shouldn't_ have cared.

My sobs increased and I curled up into a ball, he wrapped his arms tightly around me, as if trying to warm my frozen heart.

"Hush baby." he whispered. "Hush."

I snuffled a little and forced my weeping to subside.

"I'm here for you baby, I'll love you forever, no matter what."

Surprisingly enough, this didn't comfort me in the least. But it should have, so I acted. I 'smiled' up at him.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome baby."

* * *

"Hey Zexi?"

I looked up from the book I was holding, I wasn't going to remember a word of it. I just used 'reading' as a cover for my moping, I didn't want him to worry.

"Yes?"

"Can I play you some music?" he was holding an instrument case. "It's good for the soul."

_Not that I have one._ But I nodded anyway.

He pulled out a stringed instrument, strumming a few chords before beginning to play. I listened to the sweet music, and almost smiled. I was more fragile now than ever, the end was near. The strangest emotion coloured my thoughts when I noticed this. _Was I, sad, that the end was near?_ That would be just my luck, to die just as I finally, maybe, started to heal.

"See what I mean?" Demyx said, awe struck. "You're smiling."

_I was?_

"You look tired though. Sleep time." He went to prepare the bedtime drink that was almost a ritual. I sipped at the liquid when he passed it to me. He managed to snatch the tall mug from my hands just before I dropped it.

"Good night baby," he soothed, pulling me tight into his chest and stroking my arm comfortingly. "I love you."

_He might just succeed. Maybe, just maybe, I might heal._

This boy really was magic.

* * *

**End Notes:** Quite obviously (or not, I dunno) un-beta'd. I'm just too impatient. Sorry it's not that long. Quality over quantitiy?

Please, please review! All I want is a few lines. A coupla words'll do! Thanks to all my reviewers, you guys rock my socklings, every single stripe!

Stayed tuned (or alerted) for the next chappie! It should be up tomorrow or the next day.

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

**Author Notes: **All aboard for Chapter three of The Pain Of Shadow. Please hand over all weapons, knitting needles, biros, keys, key_blades_ books and any other items that could be used to harm another human being. Then don this stylish straightjacket, allow me to fasten you to the wall of this padded room with strong concrete walls designed to keep you in, whilst I stay three miles away on the other side of said walls.

Please dun kill me.

**Dedication: **Hm, I think this one is for Bu (yes again). She had to deal with my incessant going on about how evil I am.

**Summary:** Zexion is trying to fade away, he is no longer human. But Demyx tries to save him. Could things get any worse? (Not technically a suicide story btw) crud summary, just read it please

**Pairings: **Zemyx (no duh) and a very obscure AkuRoku reference. There may be more later.

**Suggested Listening : **

**Disclaimer: **I dun own Kingdom Hearts. But I will one day, I will... Bwahahaha

Us fangirls are so gonna rule the world one day.

* * *

I wake up one morning, not long after I realised that maybe Demyx might have a chance at saving me. I am in my own room for once, but I can barely move.

I feel so fragile.

The phone rings, they seem so out of place here. I carefully pick up the receiver.

"Hey baby."

"Hey Demyx."

"How are you feeling today?"

"Ok."

But he doesn't believe me, that much is clear in his voice.

"Why don't you come over to my room?"

"I'll be there in five."

I hang up the phone. I scramble up, cautiously poking my head out the door. Checking to see if anyone else is there. Even the glances the rest of them throw my way could crumble me in this state.

I want to be in Demyx's arms.

The thought stuns me. I don't love him, yet. But I in the future I will be able to. I can see that now. I don't actually love him because I love him with my _non-existant _heart. But, once that heart grows a little, I will be able to love him. I really am healing!

I run to his room, still keeping away from the others, I'm sore and about to crumble. I knock on his door, and it opens. I take in every little detail about him. The soft blonde hair that almost glows, the strong arms around me. He plants a sweet kiss upon my cheek, then looks at me sceptically.

"You don't look that good at all." he says mournfully.

"No." I say, shaking my head. "I'm not that great."

"Sit down," he motions at the couch, with the coffee table in front. I sit.

"Here." he smiles a few minutes later, placing a drink in front of me. "Don't worry, it's not drugged."

I leave it there for a while anyway, It's hot. For a while we talk, about nothing and everything. Demyx listens to my stuttering mumbles calmly.

"You haven't had your drink." he says as I shiver.

I pick the mug up and drink deeply, but not finishing all of it. It's sickeningly sweet, and still over half full when I place it back on the glass table.

"C'mere." my saviour wraps his arms around me. I lean into his embrace.

For a moment, the only movement is the rise and fall of our chests. For once in longer than I can remember, I am content. Content with the thought that I nearly love this beauty.

Then I implode.

The sickening wretched pain that accompanies being near death fills me, eating away at my life like acid. I'm dying, and fast!

_I was wrong._

I'm not healing at all! Demyx failed, just like all the others. And he knows it. Tears, drip down his face as he holds my ever fading body. The joyous feeling that came with my 'healing' disappears, I am as I was before, but with the added torture of doing this to Demyx

"You should never have tried to save me!" I hiss at him. I hate myself for what I've done, and my anger latches onto him. He is sobbing now, shaking with the effort of trying to hold himself together. I know the feeling well

I am on the brink now. It's almost over. I take what I think is my last glimpse of Demyx, and close my eyes.

"I never was trying to save you."

My eyes open. Shock keeps me alive long enough to hear his words.

"I care about you too much to do that to you. All I ever wanted to do was ease your inevitable passing."

* * *

_Well, you've succeeded._

_Thank you my darling, for holding onto me, watching me grow weak. Letting me die, so that I could really love you. Thank you so much._

_Welcome Sanity,_

_Welcome Love._

_Now that I have left,_

_And sweet oblivion's taken me in._

* * *

For an age, Demyx, sat there, he allowed his sobs to shudder to a halt. His mind would not stop replaying those last seconds. Zexion had been almost happy. When the memories became too much, Demyx stood up, letting Zexion's dead body slide from his lap. The sound it made when it hit the couch, while soft, was sickening.

_Like me._

Demyx looked down at Zexion's unfinished drink. There was enough there to kill himself as well. But one murder was enough for one day, he reasoned. Anyway, he didn't need to die. He was stronger than the man he'd loved. This wouldn't break him. He _was_ strong, he _would_ survive.

First things first, he needed to leave all this behind him. Break away from a past that would haunt.

Someone else could clean up the body. _He _needed to go away for a while. Forget. Make it as though his love had never even existed. Start afresh if you may.

Life goes on. I'll survive. It's no big deal.

_Liar._

He means nothing to me any more. Just someone who I met, spent a few months with.

_Liar._

I don't love him! I never did! He means nothing to me!

_Liar_

I don't need love, and I don't need him! It's a good thing he's dead! He was just a weak little dead weight! I'm glad he's gone!

_Liar_

How could have ever thought I loved him? I don't even hate him! I don't care! I don't! Love means nothing! Nothing I tell you! I can live without it! And I will, gladly!

_And so the vicious cycle starts again._

* * *

**End Notes: **-hides-

Please don't hurt me!


End file.
